I dyed my hair tonight. It looks black, but we will see after a couple of washings. Why? you ask. When I was up in Washington to attend Kathy's funeral, I had so many people tell me I looked like Kathy. Never while she was living did anyone every tell us we looked alike. But know that she is gone I got it at least 5 or 6 times. Not that this is a bad thing, I thought she was beautiful. But now every time I look in the mirror I think of what she looked like on her wedding day, and I can't look in the mirror any more. I didn't say it makes sense, but there you have it. I didn't take my sleeping pill early enough tonight, so I didn't take it at all. Who knows how long I will be up. I don't think I am doing very well with dealing with her death. More than anything I want to spend as much time with my husband and kids as possible. At the same time I can't really grieve and be responsible for a household. It isn't working out too well for me. My husband asked me if I was depressed. It doesn't feel the same as when I had post-partum, so I would say no. But I do feel like I am pushing a lot of what I am feeling deep down just so I can do day to day life. Why do we as Americans feel like the grieving process should be over as soon as we bury someone? God didn't make us to grieve that quickly. But for now I just keep filling my time with playing or cleaning. If this keeps up for much longer I will have the cleanest house in the neighborhood, and most of my neighbors have housecleaners! I just don't hurt when I keep busy. I think it was a good thing when I was pouring myself into the people of New Orleans, but now I am avoiding feeling the hurt. At least I can label it, right?
Maybe this is how I am supposed to move on. By writing. Who knows.
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