Almost time to walk

Today is Monday. This past Saturday A and I did the 5k race for the cure in OKC. This Friday morning we begin the 60 mile journey through the Dallas area. One step at a time we will help find a cure for cancer. I have been crying at the drop of a hat lately, so I expect many tears this next week. But I know it is going to be an unbelievable journey, walked with thousands who have been touched by this horrible disease.

Going home

Grandma, Peg and Denise headed home this morning after a wonderful weekend visit. I am a little sad as I love the time I have with them. I am so grateful to Denise for making the trek with them because they would have never been able to come without her. I had such a great time with them. And I am so glad that each of my kids got to spend time with their great grandma. She loves them so much, but I know another trip down here is just not possible for her. I want to get our family up to see her as soon as we can. Draden thought Grandma was so cool, and Caleb and Julia just enjoyed coloring with her and snuggling with her. That is really all she is capable of, and my kids loved every minute. I am so blessed to have a grandma like her, and so glad that at least Draden will have a good memory of her. We must get out to see her so Julia and Caleb will have good ones too!

Less than two weeks until the 60 mile walk. Some dear friends got me up to my fundraising goal, so I am all set! I am so excited!
Peace and a pop tart!

Kathy's Birthday

Today would have been Kathy's 36th birthday. It's been hard to not feel kind of down today. I miss my best friend who has been in New York for a week. She'll be home tomorrow. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow, so I'm needing today to look brighter.
God, please lift my spirits.
Amen

what's up

Okay, so I can now walk at least 13 miles in one day. Not bad. But not yet 20. I think I could actually do it but I have to find the time to do it. So I am well on my way to that goal. And I have two more months to train. A fundraising plan came to me on my last lap in my 13 mile treck, so I will be getting that under way in the next couple of days.

This friday I start my volunteer time at the shelter. I am so excited! It seemed like the process to get started kept meeting with roadblocks, but we are finally set up and we will go this week. YEA!!!

My quest to get Willie a car is not going so well.

Today I got an email that a little boy from our Tulsa campus drowned on Sunday. I have been praying all day that God would give us a new Testiment miracle and raise that little boy up. I am believing God no matter what. I want so badly to just go and hold his mommy, and I don't even know them, and I live two hours away. God is bigger than we can imagine, and He has a plan to reveal His Glory, we just dont know what that is right now.
My four year old drew a "ribbon" today during his homeschool craft time. Above it he "wrote" , "This ribbon is to remember Kathy. She died and is in Heaven with God." He made it for because he loves me. That is what he told me. What a precious gift he is!
I have all kinds of thoughts and emotions swirling in me today.

It's working!

We are in day two of being a parent and not just a friend. It is going well. We struggled a few moments yesterday, but overall I think my kiddo likes that Mommy is in charge (even if he would never admit it!) Since I have had to be strict in the discipline, I have also had the most fun at the fun mommy moments. Today we built castles out of cardboard boxes and swords out of paper and shields out of smaller boxes. We painted and told stories. I have also had some quiet moments to myself because when I am with the kids I am all there and not distracted. So when I have wanted a few minutes to read they let me because they know when it is their turn I will be all theirs. I know this is not new information to anyone who has been parenting for as long as I have, but I finally figured it out. Amazing!!! :)
I know I will still have moments that aren't fun, but if I stay consistant, I know I will reap my reward. A wonderful man who respects God and respects women (starting with his mom first!)

I am a parent not a best friend!

I am a parent not a best friend, I am a parent not a best friend. I was lovingly reminded that tonight by a dear friend, and also told that I need to always refer to Russ. Wise words. Now I just have to remember them. I want my children to repect me and God, but I am trying too hard to be a friend. I am a parent not a best friend I am a parent not a best friend. Thank you God for women who share the wisdom that only comes with years and experience!

blurb

I am signed up and ready to go, now I just have to raise the money. It will come. Tonight will be my fifth night to train. A and I did 5 miles last night in just over 1 and 1/2 hours. Not bad, since we just started training. I'm a little tired today, but keep pushing on.

30 days to live

So today started the new sermon series at church, "30 days to live." It was hard to watch, and I was on my own because Russell was watching Tiger Woods in Tulsa. At the same time it was confirmation that I am doing what I should be doing. I am leaving a written legacy (though I need to catch up on scrapbooking.) I am concentrating my time on family and friends and my new passion for homeless people. And I have made a goal for two things relating to Kathy. I am going to get her book written, and my sister-in-law and I are going to do the 3 Day Susan G. Komen walk. 60 miles in 3 days. We started training last night. I will walk about 5 miles tonight, but I am also going to take time to sit and watch the stars with my wonderful husband. The annual meteor shower is tonight and it is the new moon, so it should be spectacular to watch.
I'm gonna go so I can sign up for the 3 Day.
Peace and a poptart!

Kathy's blog

I just finished copying Kathy's blogs into a word document. I am going to use them to write her book for her. I will now have to print and edit (for content) and then chase like mad after any more writing that she did. It is sad and a little odd to be reading what she wrote about day to day stuff now that she is gone. I wish I had known that she had the blog while she was alive. I would have commented and kept up. I would have been able to tell her that I knew she was grandpa's favorite, but never envied her. I knew grandpa loved me too and he saved a special squeal for me. As it is, I can't tell either one of them that I love them anymore because they are both fishing up in heaven without me. Well, I never was much of a fisherman, but I sure look forward to joining them when my time comes.
Ah well, life moves on here. Still fundraising for Willie to get him a car so he can get to and from his new job. I think that after we get Willie on his feet I may have another calling. While putting together this book for Kathy is a first step, I know that more can be done for those touched by cancer. Is that my place to step out to next? I dont know yet.

out of the woodwork!

Just got an email from a good friend from the past. She was my maid of honor and I love her to pieces. I am so proud of her as she continues to get higher and higher degrees. Definitely smarter than I am, but that is a good thing. She keeps me thinking. I think about her a lot and admire how strong she is. I am so happy for her that she found a husband that treasures her like my Russell treasures me. It is the best thing to be married to your best friend.
Anyway, it was really good to hear from her. God just keeps sending me confirmations that I am loved. God has sent me friends that come out of the woodwork at just the right times. What with my own little family and my small circle of friends, I would say I have the loved area covered. And really, God is enough to cover me, but He knows that I need that earthly representation.
I love my friends and I am so thankful for the email I got today!

Get up and Walk!

Ok, so I realized that I already talked about Willie, so I don't have to go into a lot of detail. But tonight he came to our "reunion" and the team members that got to make it all got to see Willie again. I was able to ask him his story about he ended up on the streets. It was Katrina and Rita. They washed away his home in the lower ninth ward. He stayed in the Super Dome. He witnessed horrible things that no one should ever have to live through. And what was he doing tonight? Calling us his angels and praising God for His goodness. He said one thing that really stood out to me. He said that Thursday night he was already getting settled to go to sleep when God told him to get up and take a walk. Well, Willie did not want to do that as he was already ready to go to sleep, but God kept telling him to get up and take a walk. Finally after having argued with God for a few minutes, Willie got up and took a walk. On that walk was where he met us. If Willie had not listened and obeyed, he would not be in Oklahoma tonight. He would still be sleeping on the most comfortable piece of pavement that he could find.

When God tells me to get up and walk, do I listen? If not, I could miss out on the blessings that He has in store for me.

What a day!

Looking at my husband out the window as I write, and I know that I am incredibly blessed. A good way to end the evening, so I will be making this short. Today I got a mommy break and went with Amy to get a pedicure, my first. We got matching toes with pink ribbons on our big toes. It actually really touched the woman who did the little designs, and I got to share Kathy's story. Then I went on a date with Russell and we had a great time laughing and just spending time together. While out to dinner I got a call from Chuck S. who lead the mission to New Olreans. He said, "Guess who I just had dinner with?" WE FREED WILLIE!!!!!!!! I told him he made my day and I was having a great one to begin with. I love God and what he can do when we listen.
More on Willie tomorrow.

God is in the details

God is in the little stuff. He is in the big stuff too. Pretty much, God is in every moment, if we will just open our eyes to see Him.

Two weeks ago I was preparing to go to New Orleans on a mission trip with my chuch. We bussed down there Wednesday morning, got there that night, and spread a little of God's love on the way. I also got the call that Kathy had gone to be with Jesus on that ride. God knew I would need that group of people at that exact moment to help me through. It was a most amazing experience to have perfect strangers loving me like they had known me their whole lives. Anyway, while we were in New Orleans we did a myriad of things, but my favorite part was meeting and loving the homeless that were living right across the street from City Hall. These people were amazing! Most that I talked to were not homeless before Katrina, but the rising cost of rent kept them on the streets, even if by chance they still had a job. But the heart of these people could only be matched by the heart of the team that was there to love them. We couldn't help but focus in on our new friends. We just wanted to love them and help them any way we could.

The best part of the entire mission is that we have not let it end! One man, Fraser, we were able to bus up to Missouri for a job up there. Now we are on a "Free Willie" quest. There was a man named Willie who actually led us to City Hall and is the reason we met all our new friends. Now we are trying to get Willie up to OKC and get him on his feet up here. Another family that was on the street has gotten the help they need to get off the streets. God didn't want our mission to end just because we came home, and we are listening to His call. It is the most amazing thing I have ever had the honor to take part in (other than my family), and the thing of it is, that we as Christ-followers are all meant to live like this. Helping those around us to feel God's love and power and grace. It is what we are all called to do, to live in reckless abandon for HIM.

God was in every detail of that trip and what has become of it. God is in every detail of my life, from where I was when I got the call, to Derron's recital, to who I met at the bookstore tonight. God is in everything. From the movies that my pastor chose for his sermon series, to the next series after this one, "If you only had 30 days to live." If I choose to believe that God is in every detail, then I know my life isn't left to chance. And better yet, I am not in charge.

Every moment with my children is a blessing. Every moment with my husband is an amazing blessing. Every minute I am here on this earth I want to be doing something that is meaningful for the purpose and the Glory of God. If God is in the details, then that is where I want to be too.

db

I went to a concert tonight. The artist was Derron Bell, and his instrument was the marimba. He was a roommate of mine back in college, and I hadn't seen him since he sang and played at our wedding. To say that God made a way for me to be there is an understatement. I didn't have a sitter for the kids until yesterday, and then today her dog died and I didn't think I would get to go. I tried a last resort (only because I had used them so much lately and I didn't want to be overkill), and they said they would gladly take the kids.

The music he played was so healing for me. It was wonderful to see him again, and more wonderful to hear him play. He is so gifted, and to watch him is to see music in motion. As I sat next to Russell I felt my spirit lift, one song at a time. I could honestly listen to Derron play all day long. Then as he got ready to play his last song on the program, memories started flooding back. The last song was "Time in a Bottle", and it was one that we sang and listened to a lot when we were roommates. Not only is Derron the most talented percussionist I have ever heard, but I also like to listen to him sing. Imagine my pure delight when he began to play and then to SING this last song. I don't know why it was so healing for me, but it was. I guess that is part of what music is supposed to do.

Anyway, I know it is still one day at a time for me, but I also know that this evening was God's special gift to me to help me on my journey. Thank you Derron for sharing your gift. Thank you God for giving Derron his gift to share.

I was truely blessed!

Black hair and other dealings

I dyed my hair tonight. It looks black, but we will see after a couple of washings. Why? you ask. When I was up in Washington to attend Kathy's funeral, I had so many people tell me I looked like Kathy. Never while she was living did anyone every tell us we looked alike. But know that she is gone I got it at least 5 or 6 times. Not that this is a bad thing, I thought she was beautiful. But now every time I look in the mirror I think of what she looked like on her wedding day, and I can't look in the mirror any more. I didn't say it makes sense, but there you have it. I didn't take my sleeping pill early enough tonight, so I didn't take it at all. Who knows how long I will be up. I don't think I am doing very well with dealing with her death. More than anything I want to spend as much time with my husband and kids as possible. At the same time I can't really grieve and be responsible for a household. It isn't working out too well for me. My husband asked me if I was depressed. It doesn't feel the same as when I had post-partum, so I would say no. But I do feel like I am pushing a lot of what I am feeling deep down just so I can do day to day life. Why do we as Americans feel like the grieving process should be over as soon as we bury someone? God didn't make us to grieve that quickly. But for now I just keep filling my time with playing or cleaning. If this keeps up for much longer I will have the cleanest house in the neighborhood, and most of my neighbors have housecleaners! I just don't hurt when I keep busy. I think it was a good thing when I was pouring myself into the people of New Orleans, but now I am avoiding feeling the hurt. At least I can label it, right?
Maybe this is how I am supposed to move on. By writing. Who knows.

My beginnings

So my life began under some cloudy skies. My brother had just gotten out of the hospital after a battle with Spinal Meningitis. He lost his hearing, but he was lucky. He could have lost his life. So then I was born. I would say I had a pretty good childhood. I was definitly daddy's girl, which made sense later. I was a kid that could usually be found up a tree. I loved to read and I would get lost in the story lines. I still do that these days. I was a pretty good kid, and usually stayed out of trouble. There was some craziness that went on in my house, but we survived it.
When I was 15 my dad got a job that moved us from my lifelong home in Beaverton, Oregon all the way to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. To say I was not happy would be an understatement. I cried and screamed and begged for a way to stay. What did I need cowboy hats and farms for? I had what I wanted in Oregon.

Of course, we do not always need what we want. The move to Oklahoma was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found a church that I liked, though I was the only one in my family to go. It seemed that a church in Oregon had hurt the rest of my family, and so they chose to let the mistakes of people come between them and a relationship with God. I began to feel at odds with the rest of my family. I was bullheaded and didn't know how to share God's love with them. I judged them and got frustrated when they judged me. I handled it very poorly, but I know that God has forgiven me for that, even if they haven't.

When we first moved, my mom began to look for ways for me to meet people. She did really try to take care of me. One thing she found for me was an an audition for a gospel choir called The Ambassador Choir. When I went to the audition, they took no time in telling me that anyone under 18 auditioned for the children's choir. I said that was fine as long as I got to sing. So they let me audition. When I finished singing, they asked me to wait out in the hall. After about 2 minutes, they asked me back into the room. Then they asked if I would like to join the choir. Not the kids choir, the adult choir. I was thrilled. I was only 15. I ended up being the youngest by 5 years. I was a little shocked when I walked into the first rehearsal. One glance told me I was one of 3 white people in the 100 person choir. But I had found my new home. Those people loved me like I was their own kid. Being in that choir was one of the best experiences in my whole life. Being in that choir led me right into the path of my future husband!

My cousin, Kathy

So I decided to start a blog because of my cousin. On July 17, 2007, Kathy sang once again only this time it was while she was fishing with our grandpa up in heaven. She led a tough life and she battled hard for the last 7 years so that her kids would know her. She was not just an inspiration to her family, but to people all over the world.
Kathy kept a blog for a part of her journey. Her life ended at the age of 35. Which drove home the fact that none of us know how long we will be here. Should my life be long or short, I want to keep a log of even silly day to day things.
So, inspired by Kathy, this is what I have. I hope to write at least a few times a week. I love to write down my thoughts, but a normal journal won't work for me. I have what looks like arthritis that has attacked my whole body, so writing by hand hurts too much. Typing is still an option for me, for which I am very grateful.
I must go put the kids down for naps now, but will write again soon to kind of catch up on what has happened in the last 29 years.